


Cold

by NARUW0AH



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Childhood Trauma, Derealization, Dissociation, Emotional Baggage, Flashbacks, Heavy Angst, Hurt, Misplaced Love, Panic Attacks, Psychological Trauma, Sad, Sad Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-31
Updated: 2020-01-03
Packaged: 2021-02-27 14:00:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22048273
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NARUW0AH/pseuds/NARUW0AH
Summary: Gon almost died after fighting Pitou, and Killua couldn't handle it.
Comments: 7
Kudos: 25





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Howdy y'all! I've returned with a new HxH fic because I'm once again stuck on my Naruto fic! Yay me!
> 
> This is a vent fic I wrote in like... 10 minutes. It's pretty much an in-depth look at Killua having an extreme panic attack. If vivid descriptions of panic attacks trigger you, then you should probably sit this one out.
> 
> For those of you who do decide to read ahead: I hope you like it!

Too many.

Too many times had Gon risked his life.

Too many times had Gon given in to impulse and picked a fight he got lucky to survive.

Too many times was Killua the one to lecture him, to protect him, to save him.

Too many times, and now Gon was on the brink of death, and Killua was staring at what might as well have been a corpse. 

He felt cold.

So,  _ so  _ cold.

He wished he'd been there sooner.

He wished he'd talked some sense into him.

He wishes he hadn't been so  _ weak. _

He wishes he wasn't there right now, praying for a miracle to a god he didn't believe in. He wishes he didn't have to tell someone else's mother that her oh, so-young son was holding on by a thread. He wishes he didn't have to depend on his anomaly of a sister to bring his friend back to life. 

His hands never stopped trembling for a moment. He wasn't even sure he was breathing anymore. His mind was blank; thoughts going  _ runhidecryescaperegretforgiveforgetegone  _ were so fast he didn't even notice them anymore. No, all he noticed was the tightness of his chest and how he really  _ wasn't _ breathing anymore. All he noticed was the blurred edges of his peripheral vision and the spots occupying the space in front of him. All he noticed was the ice that seeped into his veins,  _ so cold,  _ and the panting his body involuntarily kickstarted. 

A floor. He was on the floor. But he'd just been sitting down, so how-? 

Noise. Scratching. Pain. Screaming. There was screaming. He was screaming. Why was he screaming? He was screaming as loud as his lungs would let him, but he didn't understand why. He couldn't stop screaming. His back was on the floor, and his hands were scrambling for purchase on his shirt, on his chest, on his heart, on his lungs, he  _ couldn't stop screaming,  _

_ please, somebody help me, I can't stop screaming-  _

"Killua!"

But who's voice was it? His name, he knew it was his name being called, he'd heard it so many times but from who?

From Gon, it was Gon who called his name for everything, it was Gon who called his name and it was Gon who cried for help and it was Gon who he'd failed and it was Gon who was dying and it was Gon,

it was always Gon,

_ "GON!" _

He screamed with a purpose now. Now there were tears. Now there were feelings. Now he wasn't blank. 

Now he ached. Now he felt hands all over him, he felt his body being moved but he couldn't tell where, he could only hurt because  _ Gon,  _ because he was scared; because he wasn't there. 

He's heaving, he's hyperventilating, he can't see, he can't see  _ anything, everything is black, why can't he see, he needs to _ see. See?

See what?

There was so much pain. 

"Killua, take deep breaths!"

Deep breaths? 

"Killua, are you with me?!"

With you?

"Killua, please, say something?"

Say something?

Gon. Gon, please  _ say something.  _

He couldn't take it. He'd seen him give away his life over and over,

Again and again, 

Too many. Too many times. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well? How was that? It was kinda hard to write because I wanted it to come off as frantic but I don't know if I portrayed that well. Thank you so much for reading; let me know what you think in the comments and if there's anything you'd like me to write next!
> 
> \- K


	2. Apology

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gon knows what Killua's going through, and he's helpless.

He could hear everything.

He couldn't see. Couldn't talk. Couldn't move. But he could hear.

And he could think.

So when he heard Killua scream, he wanted to scream back and tell him he was  _ there _ , he was  _ listening _ , he was  _ alive _ . He could almost read his thoughts disguised by the panic, the words he was trying to get across. Thoughts like  _ please don’t go  _ and  _ you can’t leave me here _ and _ I can’t do this without you.  _

And Gon knew that. 

Gon was fighting. He was looking death in the face and thinking _ I can't go yet, he needs me here, I need him, it's not my time yet! _

_ I have to stay alive! _

Gon could feel. But not pain. No, his body was destroyed beyond that. What he felt was guilt, anger, relief, anxiety, all at once. 

He felt guilt, for hurting Killua.

He felt anger, for Kite.

He felt relieved, because Pitou was dead.

He felt anxious, because he was dying.

Somewhere, somehow, in the middle of it all, he felt love, and it felt so wrong. He shouldn't have felt something so strong when his love was aching because of him. He felt a love so strong it was almost stronger than the sensation of death looming over him. There were too many feelings occupying his heart.

Killua’s screams were taunting him. They were a reminder of how he failed him, even though he got the revenge he vowed to get. Memories of Killua’s tears flashed in his mind, of his hand pulverizing Pitou, of all the nen leaving his body. The last thing he remembers is his body being carried somewhere, and warmth. The warmth of Killua’s body was the last life he felt, and then everything was black. Now he’s here, useless. 

He wanted to show Killua he was okay, 

But he knew it would take much more than that for both of them to recover from the trauma he’d induced into both of them.

It was all he could do, to think.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided to add Gon's point of view to this story because I felt like it was important to add. I might add more in the future but I think this is it for now. Let me know what you think! 
> 
> \- K

**Author's Note:**

> Well? How was that? It was kinda hard to write because I wanted it to come off as frantic but I don't know if I portrayed that well. Thank you so much for reading; let me know what you think in the comments and if there's anything you'd like me to write next!
> 
> \- K


End file.
